Jonathan Ahl and WCBU news are reporting that the Sears block is going to be used as a temporary parking lot while Caterpillar does some maintenance work on its parking deck.

I’m aghast at Caterpillar’s callous disregard for employee safety. In case you’ve forgotten how dangerous this situation is, I’ll remind you that Cat said we couldn’t change Adams and Jefferson streets from one-way to two-way because their employees would be unable to adapt to changing traffic patterns:

The safety of Caterpillar employees is of the utmost importance. A key concern of our workers in downtown Peoria is pedestrian safety…. Changing streets from one-way to two-way would create more vehicle/pedestrian conflicts at intersections…. Our employees are familiar with the traffic patterns as they exist today and know what to expect.

Well, this new parking scheme is a cinch to lead to widespread disorientation and employee injury. Traffic patterns will be seriously altered since all those cars will be going into and out of the Sears block instead of the parking deck. Unable to scamper across their gerbil tube from the deck to the World Headquarters building, unsuspecting employees will be forced onto the mean streets of Peoria at rush hour and expected to navigate a crosswalk spanning a dreaded unfamiliar two-way street. I shudder to think of the carnage as hundreds of employees, conditioned to only look one direction before jaywalking, end up hit from behind by motorists. Oh, the humanity!

Bloggers are often accused of just complaining but doing nothing to help the situation. Well, today, I’m going to do something to help. As a pedestrian experienced in crossing complicated intersections, I hereby offer to provide training to Caterpillar’s employees before this new parking plan takes effect. I charge reasonable fees and boast a mortality rate of six sigma quality. In addition to my personal experience crossing intersections, I have also helped the elderly across the street during my participation in Cub Scouts and Webelos, and I’ve taught children as young as 6 and 7 years old how to safely cross the road on their own.

Give me a jingle. I’m always happy to be of service.