I recently ordered some books from Amazon.com. Having no particular need to get them quickly, I chose the “Super Saver Shipping.” By “Super Saver,” they mean, of course, “free.” The price you pay for “free” shipping is a longer delivery time. The range is 5-9 days, according to Amazon.

On the one hand, you would expect a 5-9 day delivery window to be very unpopular since we live in an age of instant gratification. But on the other hand, it’s free, and we live in an age where everyone wants something for nothing, or at least as cheap as they can possibly get it even if it means the product was fabricated by malnourished child slaves in a third-world ghetto. But on the third hand (metaphorically speaking, of course — try not to conjure up images of a freakish person with three hands — although, if those third-world child slaves had three hands, I bet their employer would increase their production quota by 50% — but I digress), we’re talking about people who order books after all, which implies someone who is in no particular hurry to acquire information in the first place.

So, the order was placed August 22. The order was shipped August 26. This indicates that “Super Saver Shipping” also means “Super Slow Handling.” But that’s okay because, as I said, I’m in no particular hurry. Looking at the tracking information, the first line shows:

“August 26, 2010 03:41:00 AM [Location:] US [Event details:] Shipment has left seller facility and is in transit.”

The next line shows:

“August 30, 2010 03:49:20 PM [Location:] Fedex Smartpost Indianapolis IN US [Event details:] Arrival Scan”

So, from the time it left the seller facility until it arrived in Indianapolis, it took four more days. This may or may not be reasonable, depending on where the “seller facility” is. That location is evidently a closely-guarded secret since it is not listed in the tracking information, except to say that it did originate in the U.S. Since Amazon.com is headquartered in Seattle, Washington, I can only assume some administrative assistant there was given my package and told to drive it to the FedEx Smartpost facility in Indianapolis.

Of course, the question then becomes, what is “FedEx Smartpost”? According to their website: “When you need to ship low-weight packages to residential customers, consider efficient, economical FedEx SmartPost service. By utilizing the United States Postal Service® (USPS) for final delivery, FedEx SmartPost reaches every U.S. address, including P.O. boxes and military APO and FPO destinations. You can even use FedEx SmartPost to ship to Alaska, Hawaii and all U.S. territories.” According to Wikipedia, “The resulting service is one that is less expensive than FedEx Ground, but more expensive than regular mail.”

If I understand this service right, you’re basically paying FedEx to put your package in the U.S. Mail for you. That way you can enjoy both the added expense of Federal Express handling and the inefficiency of the post office. I’m not exactly sure why Amazon would want to spend extra to send a package for free with the slowest possible transit time, but hey, they seem to be successful doing so. Who am I to question it?

The next line shows:

“August 30, 2010 11:51:00 PM [Location:] — [Event details:] Arrival Scan”

Eight hours later, it arrived at a different part of the building. For a company that is able to send packages around the world in a day, their interoffice mail system is astonishingly slow.

“August 30, 2010 11:51:48 PM [Location:] Fedex Smartpost Indianapolis IN US [Event details:] Departure Scan”

Forty-eight seconds later, it was dispatched from Indianapolis.

“August 31, 2010 10:10:00 AM [Location:] Peoria IL US [Event details:] Arrival Scan”

Nine days after the order date, as promised, my package arrives in Peoria. But wait….

“August 31, 2010 10:41:00 AM [Location:] Peoria IL US [Event details:] Shipment forwarded to a different delivery address

August 31, 2010 12:42:00 PM [Location:] Peoria IL US [Event details:] Shipment forwarded to a different delivery address”

Now it gets more complicated. The package was sent to my work address. And my employer is moving. There are actually two facilities with two different addresses where I work, and while one of the facilities had in fact moved already, the other one hasn’t. I had the package sent to the facility where I am still working, but unfortunately, my employer is having mail from both addresses forwarded to the new facility.

Well, not to worry, it’s just on the other side of town. Forwarding should only take an extra day.

“September 9, 2010 08:18:00 AM [Location:] Forest Park IL US [Event details:] Arrival Scan”

No, I haven’t left anything out. This is the very next line on the tracking sheet. In order to forward a letter from one side of town to the other, thanks to the efficiencies of modern postal technology, the package has to go to a centralized sorting facility in Forest Park, a suburb of Chicago.

Whereas it took an administrative assistant only four days to get from Seattle to Indianapolis with my package, the Post Office managed to take nine days to ship my package 160 miles. I can only assume that it was taken by a mail carrier on foot. Given that average human walking speed is 3 miles per hour, a mail carrier walking six hours a day would have gotten my package from Peoria to Forest Park in nine days. You have to admire these civil servants’ dedication.

“September 10, 2010 03:39:00 AM [Location:] Des Moines IA US [Event details:] Arrival Scan”

The Forest Park sort facility, obviously mistaking the Peoria, IL, address for Peoria, IA, sent my package off to the sorting facility in Des Moines. I thought that was silly at first, but after doing a little research I was surprised to find that there is not one, but two Peorias in Iowa — one in Wayne County and one in Mahaska County.

I’m never getting that package.