PollyPeoria is sick of Gidwitz. I don’t blame her. But then, I don’t like any of the candidates for governor.
There are plenty of good reasons not to like Topinka. Here’s mine: she was the one who decided to give Jack Ryan the boot two years ago and import nutty Alan Keyes from Maryland to run on the Republican ticket for U.S. Senate instead of runner-up Oberweis. That kind of decision doesn’t instill me with much confidence in her judgement.
I had been a big Rauschenberger fan, but then, inexplicably, he decided to run for Lieutenant Governor and ally himself with Gidwitz. Most unfortunate.
I met Oberweis at an ice cream social (what else?) the last time he ran for Senate and wasn’t very impressed.
This is one of those elections where I wish they would institute my idea: have one of the options be “none of the above.” If “none of the above” gets the most votes, then those candidates who ran are all disqualified and a new slate of candidates has to be found. This would allow voters an “out” from having to vote for the “lesser of two evils.” They could use this process in both primary and general elections.
I’ve been watching the ads on TV being run by Illinois gubernatorial candidates, and I think I’ve figured out what it takes to write good copy for these things:
- Be as vague as possible. Problems are complex, and people have short attention spans, so steer clear of anything resembling a specific suggestion. In fact, if you can get away with saying only, “Me good, them bad,” just leave it at that.
- Passionately embrace outcomes only a comic-book villain would oppose. For instance, say you’re for “better schools,” “balancing the budget,” and “clean water.” This will set you apart from the other candidates who, I assume, are the Joker and the Riddler.
- Remember, a picture says a thousand lies. Show lots of pictures of yourself spending quality time with your family; that will give your family something to watch while you’re out on the road the next several months shilling for campaign contributions and brokering endorsement deals. And be sure to include the election-winning illusion that you’re spending your mornings in public schools reading to children because you’ve devoted your life to volunteerism.
- Attack your opponent’s record — but more importantly, attack his motives. It’s much easier to win against a corrupt political insider with lust for power than someone who’s simply pursuing a different path to the same goals as you. When talking about your opponent(s), always be sure to show unflattering pictures of them in black and white with an ominous musical underscore. Cynicism and ad hominem attacks are the road to victory.
- Finally, point people to your website, which has the same empty rhetoric as your political ad. This is where you can really put your doublespeak skills to work. An actual, complete quote from one candidate’s website explaining her commitment to leadership: “In every area of State government and especially in the Governor’s office, this State’s high standing for competence and leadership has suffered during the last three years.” The funny thing? This candidate works in state government.
And everyone wonders why voter turnout is so low.
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