I’ve been watching the ads on TV being run by Illinois gubernatorial candidates, and I think I’ve figured out what it takes to write good copy for these things:
- Be as vague as possible. Problems are complex, and people have short attention spans, so steer clear of anything resembling a specific suggestion. In fact, if you can get away with saying only, “Me good, them bad,” just leave it at that.
- Passionately embrace outcomes only a comic-book villain would oppose. For instance, say you’re for “better schools,” “balancing the budget,” and “clean water.” This will set you apart from the other candidates who, I assume, are the Joker and the Riddler.
- Remember, a picture says a thousand lies. Show lots of pictures of yourself spending quality time with your family; that will give your family something to watch while you’re out on the road the next several months shilling for campaign contributions and brokering endorsement deals. And be sure to include the election-winning illusion that you’re spending your mornings in public schools reading to children because you’ve devoted your life to volunteerism.
- Attack your opponent’s record — but more importantly, attack his motives. It’s much easier to win against a corrupt political insider with lust for power than someone who’s simply pursuing a different path to the same goals as you. When talking about your opponent(s), always be sure to show unflattering pictures of them in black and white with an ominous musical underscore. Cynicism and ad hominem attacks are the road to victory.
- Finally, point people to your website, which has the same empty rhetoric as your political ad. This is where you can really put your doublespeak skills to work. An actual, complete quote from one candidate’s website explaining her commitment to leadership: “In every area of State government and especially in the Governor’s office, this State’s high standing for competence and leadership has suffered during the last three years.” The funny thing? This candidate works in state government.
And everyone wonders why voter turnout is so low.
It’s a joke, isn’t it? The winner has the best ads. That’s why I advocate NOT making it easier to register to vote. If you don’t know what’s going on, and you don’t want to take the time to register, then so be it. Those who care and/or pay attention to the issues can decide.
Of course it’s everyone’s right to vote, and I would never suggest turning anyone away, but the whole movement (on both sides of the aisle) to bring out the vote is a bunch of political crap. If you want to vote, vote. If you don’t care or don’t know anything about it, then don’t vote!
By the way, I always vote for the candidate who wants better schools, less crime, lower taxes and higher paying jobs. That clarifies my position, doesn’t it?